Valentines hand job on the back row.

Valentines day 2006. My boyfriend at the time, *Dan took me out. here's the story.

"Hello gorgeous", He says as i get in the car. He leans in to kiss me. He's gone abit wild on the colone. But atleast he dosen't stink of piss tonight.

"this is for you"

He hands me a red envelope. No rose or teddy bear. Thoughtfull. The folds are soggy and haven't stuck properly, too much spit. I slide the card out. It's illustrated with cartoon figures stood on a flaming heart. The 99p price sticker still present. Wanker.

"To Amy. Love from Dan xxx" - scribbled inside carelessley.

"thanks babe"

He smiles, asthough pleased with himself, "It's alright gorge", and puts his foot down, en route to the Boro.

The cinema is packed. We're late and there are few seats left. We find two at the back, having to clamber over an army of seated chavs, who are reluctant to make abit of room to let my fat arse slide past more discreetley. I don't make a scene. They might beat me.

The rustle of popcorn bags and sweet packets is getting right on my tits, and I can't see the screen for the 6ft bald bloke infront of me. Cock.

Typical.

"You alright babe?", Dan asks, one eye scanning my face for doubt. The other doing somersaults. His eyes have been fucked since birth apparantly.

"Yeah, i'm fine", i smile reasuringly. I reckon he knows that i'm bored. His hand entwined with mine is uncomfortable. Sweating like fuck. The lights dim as the movie starts. He slides his hand from mine (thank fuck) and sneaks it on to my thigh with caution. He's tense. Fanny fright.

The films wank, but we aren't really watching it anyway. I have my hand in his trackies. My coat over his lap to conceal this in-pant filth from the cinema audience. He's already got a semi. I stroke and grope him till i feel him growing solid.

He's solid.

The fun in his pants dosen't last longer than 2 minutes. His warm sticky love piss wet on my hand. The film should be finishing soon, better sort my self out. I slide my gooey hand from his pants and wipe the evidence of a backseat cinema sin on the seat infront. Sorted.

One night stands: A girls guide.

i have took in to account my experiences and stories i have been told from friends to help me write a guide to one night stands, here goes....

1- BE PREPARED. if you are off out and think there is chance your fanny will be in use at somepoint, GET RID OF THE PUBES!!!!! (and all body hair other than that on your head/lash lines/brow) shave it/wax it/immac it, whatever. just tidy it up. it dosen't take long and it really does save you the unnecesary fuckery later on - ie, locking yourself in his bathroom and using his razor to mow your minge. this will fuck any chance of this one night stand becoming a 2nd, or a 3rd (and so on) RIGHT up.

2- HIS OR MINE???. tricky one. if you choose his, remember to think thoroughly before you do so. ask yourself,

.do i have money for a taxi home in the morning?

.if i don't, is a shag really worth trecking home looking like a hooker first thing in the morning?? (you do have a vibrator at home..)

.do i know his name? this is important incase he has one of them tricky doors that only HE knows how to unlock to let you out in the morning. "excuse me mr sir who had his cock up me an hour ago, would you be kind enough to let me out?" - just no.

.if you choose yours,

3- BE TIDY. tidy up abit before you go out. he won't wanna stick his pork sword in a filthy cow!!!! (i usualy just throw ALL mess in to one room and make sure the door's shut. also pretending that you have a friend sleeping in that room is a great way for you to excuse yourself later on if the sex is THAT boring.) example - "oh fuck, i'm sure emma is calling me from the bedroom, she's autistic i really better go check on her" then shut yourself in the bedroom and give yourself chance to come up with an excuse to get him to leave. example - "emmas shit the bed and so needs to sleep in mine. you better leave"

4- POSITIONS. ok so you are probably really drunk and think you're a 6stone pornstar. YOU'RE NOT,, therfore creative positions are probably not such a good idea (a backward cowgirl incident i had confirmed this, but that's another story, for another blog.) also, this is a one night stand. this is a fuck, it's nothing. so you don't want it to feel like it's more than it is. personally, i think doggie is the best position for the one night stand.

BECAUSE.......

. you aren't face to face. no awkward eye contact. plus pretending he is somebody else is sooo much easier when you can't see him.

. deeper penetration. so if he has a little knob, this really is better for you.

. you can't smell his rank fucking breath, and he can't smell yours.

. you don't have to be cautious of your facial expresions. he can't see!!!

. if you are really bored, you can rest your chin on your hands and drift off.

. you can txt your friends/update your status via fb mobile and he's none the wiser.

if you aren't up for some doggie then i'd reccomend you get on top. on top is always good. you're in control, it's deep, and your lady bean gets stimulated at the same time. mint. however if you're too drunk for all that bouncing around then just lie there like a sack of shite while he bangs the fuck out of you. sorted.

5- DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. if this is just a "one night stand" - he dosen't need it. because this is just one night, right?? RIGHT. (i gave my number to a one night stand once cos i was drunk and stupid and he STILL phones me occasionaly.) so yes, no giving out the didgits.

6- YOU'VE HAD SEX. ok. you've fucked. it was alright.

if you're at his:

tell him you've gotta go. you have work/a wedding/a funeral to attend, whatever. if you're getting a taxi home, make sure you have credit to call one before you leave or are in walking distance of a rank, if not, get him to call you one. then just get the fuck out of there and get a shower. remember, if you do end up having to treck home, it ain't the walk of shame, it's the stride of pride!!!!!

if he's at yours:

you want him to leave so you can drift off, snore like a bear and fart sub-consciously, not having to worry about him being there. my favourite excuse is "i have work in an hour!!! you'll have to leave" (this is to be said strait after sex. if you're like me and like to just crash out after a beasting then this is the perfect excuse for you) he should hurridly get dressed and leave. if he dosen't seem to be hurrying, txt a friend and ask her to call you, pretend to be your boss or something so you're bullshit looks plausible. if he's still dothering about just tell him to hurry up and get the fuck out!!!!!!

7- finally he's fucked off. now txt your friends all the details and get some sleep!!!

wanking distraction

Ok, so i watch alot of porn. youporn, pornhub, redtube, youjizz, rude tube etc, etc, all offer some great inspiration for zee masturbation. They give us tits, cock and arse, and they give us it for FREE - and who dosen't like free stuff? especially free stuff that's NAKED. (if you answered "me", you have no place on my blog..)

ANYWAY... i was home alone the other day, had already stalked all of my facebook contacts and eaten everything in the kitchen, so thought i would spend some quality time with my lady organ. I stick on a porno, which was really slow moving (they are still layed kissing and cuddling fully clothed 4 minutes in!!!) but i waited 15 minutes for this shit to buffer so i'm gonna watch it anyway. So yeah, they're kissing and groping and, you know... (i don't have to go in to detail really do i) anyway one thing leads to another and before i know it she's on top, riding him like a pony, that's when i see it!!!!!

what have i seen you ask?????




SOME FUCKING DUDE CASUALLY SAT IN THE CORNER!!!!!!!

who is that guy!?!? do they know he is present!?!? who invited him!?! and why does he not look like he is loving his situation!??! seeing him sat there lead me to imagine what kind of things could be going through his mind...

Maybe he was thinking "FOR FUCKS SAKE MUM!!! could you PLEASE move over to the left a little, i can't see the fucking telly!!!!!! Or pherhaps he is contemplating what to have for dinner. Pasta, pizza, pasta, pizza???? and so forth... who knows???? All i know is this dude disrupted my wank, and for that, i will never forgive him.

TIDY YOUR FLAT YOU LAZY FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!

Ok. so i have to be out of my flat by november 1st, and to say it's a "mess" is an understatement. I know what i have to do, i need to tidy it the fuck up and move all my shit out. BUT I'M FUCKING DREADING IT!!!!!!!!!!! proper dreading it. it's such a mess i just don't know where to start so i thought it might make me feel better to write down all my thoughts then i can pick a date to just get it over and done with!!!!!

WHAT I NEED TO DO.

1- wash the fucking dishes numero 1 - they have been there about 2 months. (no i aren't joking) don't judge me ok i am always fucking hungover and i DON'T do dishes. But i really do need to get them out of the way!!!! I'm dreading picking them out of the sink and taking them one by one to wash in the bathroom sink as they can't be washed in the kitchen sink cos everytime it's used the pipe bursts and leaks downstairs in to the hallway which then causes residents to complain which causes fat care taker bitch to come braying at my door at 9AFUCKINGM when i'm hanging like a bitch to have a go at me about how there is water all over the floor downstairs. IT AIN'T A PROBLEM FOR ME BITCH!!!!!!! I won't miss her. ok i have gone off the subject, RIGHT. AMY-JO, YOU ARE TO DO THE DISHES!!!!!! yes sir!!!!!

2- on the subject of dishes, many have been smashed so i will also have to go out and buy more plates as broken plates might put getting my bond back at stake, which my mam payed and has already made clear if she dosen't get that money back, she is throwing me out. FUCK MY LIFE. so yes, NEW PLATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. and a pan, and some glasses. (just remembered those)

4.THE SOFA!!!!!!! week one in my apartment, drunken Amy + bigggg rugby player dude + horny = BROKEN SOFA!!!! i must find a beam to replace the broken beam. got it amy??? GOT IT!!!!!!!!!! (picture evidence. fuck fuck fuck)



5.bring fridge off balcony and put it back indoors - that will only take like a minute, it was getting in the way.

6.wash ALL original bedsheets/sofa throws and put them back where they belong, ie, on bed and on sofa!!! but first, put beds back in bedroom!!! Oh and must buy new bedsheet to replace the one i cut holes out of to make ghost costume. (how fucking good is my costume though??)



7.take knickers/barnaby the barbie/all other decorations down and replace with original decoration. which reminds me, where the FUCKKKK did i stash that ugly flower painting!?!?!?! fuck fuck fuck.

8. FIND UGLY FLOWER PAINTING!!!!!!!!!

9.throw that bin out. seriously Amy, don't even bother emptying it cos that shit STINKS. you bought that bin anyway, just throw it strait in to a big blag bag along with pizza boxes/burger king wrappers/general rubbish and shite then take it down to the bins. YOU CAN DO IT GIRL!!!! I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!!!!!!!!

10.Now.... get all my shite together, and mam and kayleigh round to haul it all in to the car to be taken home!!!!!!!

11.finally, BLEACH CLEAN N BLEACH BABY!!!!!!!! i need to sweep and mop the place up and spray some perfume to make it smell pretty. and then stay the fuck out of there so that when the day comes for me to get out, it's PERFECT!!!!!

oh and before all of this... GET LIGHTBULBS!!!!!! actualy, get MAM to get lightbulbs. then get mam to fit lightbulbs. can't tidy up and clean if i can't see anything can i!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW..... what date should i pick to do this and does anybody want to help!?!?!?!?!? :D