One for the fellas - how to make a girl cum.

So you want your bird to cum?

Fellas, you are gagging to shaft your bird (or whoevers bird this is you're about to shaft) and you really want to make her cum. But you don't know how!!! (Not if you're one of the idiots i've slept with anyway!)

So you bang away at her for ages, and nothing!! You're starting to worry that she may actualy be dead and not just asleep. But stop, don't worry, this is not necrophilism, you're just doing it all wrong.

Now, most women need more than just intercourse to orgasam, so just sticking your cock in isn't good enough. This is where the clitoris comes in.

What IS the clitoris?

The clitoris is a part of the female genitalia consisting of a small elongated highly sensitive erectile organ at the front of the vulva: homologous with the penis

Or to you and i,

The little bean up the top of the slit.

Now fellas, this little organ is vital. If you can touch it properly, you're guranteed a blow job and she might even let you stick it up her arse.

Nice one!!! But what do i have to do to it??

You need to play with it my friend. Untill she orgasams.

What IS an orgasam?

Orgasm, also called climax, is a physiological state of heightened sexual excitement and gratification that is followed by relaxation of sexual tensions and the body's muscles. It is marked by a feeling of sudden and intense pleasure.

Or in words you may understand better;

It's a fucking mint feeling in your fanny and the only reason you are in bed with us in the first place.

Now you know what everything is, you just need to know what TO do, and what NOT to do.

DON'T force as many fingers as you can fit up her all in one go.
DO Make sure she is wet before you try to put anything up her.

Dry fanny + Objects being stuffed up it = Severe pain for her & a black eye for you.

DON'T Rub her clit as hard as you can.
DO Learn to distinguish moans of agony from moans of pleasure, if the moans are ones of pain, stop what you're doing untill the moans are "OH YES" moans, if the moans are pleasurable, keep doing what you're doing my son!!!

SO many men think that rubbing really hard on a girls clit will make her cum and that the more she moans the more she is loving it. The moans that follow this kind of treatment are usualy ones of pain, i have felt like my fanny could burst in to flames at any moment when i have been rubbed too hard. You're trying to make her cum, not swipe her flaps off!! Follow her moans, if she wants it harder, do it gradually, and make sure she's nice and wet.

DON'T Literally try to eat her. Biting/sucking/nibbling and hard forcefull licks can be painfull.
DO lick her clit gentley, licking right down to her fuck hole and back up again. Using a finger or two to poke her/rubbing her thighs while you're licking is always a winner.

Burying your head in her crotch and being too rough really can be painfull. Again, listen to her, if she sounds pained, tone it down a little. She should be making a bit of a scene now, if she's pushing you away, practically having a fit you know you have done good job. Unless you know this girl is epileptic, then that could be a whole other situation and you should probably call an ambulance.

Valentines hand job on the back row.

Valentines day 2006. My boyfriend at the time, *Dan took me out. here's the story.

"Hello gorgeous", He says as i get in the car. He leans in to kiss me. He's gone abit wild on the colone. But atleast he dosen't stink of piss tonight.

"this is for you"

He hands me a red envelope. No rose or teddy bear. Thoughtfull. The folds are soggy and haven't stuck properly, too much spit. I slide the card out. It's illustrated with cartoon figures stood on a flaming heart. The 99p price sticker still present. Wanker.

"To Amy. Love from Dan xxx" - scribbled inside carelessley.

"thanks babe"

He smiles, asthough pleased with himself, "It's alright gorge", and puts his foot down, en route to the Boro.

The cinema is packed. We're late and there are few seats left. We find two at the back, having to clamber over an army of seated chavs, who are reluctant to make abit of room to let my fat arse slide past more discreetley. I don't make a scene. They might beat me.

The rustle of popcorn bags and sweet packets is getting right on my tits, and I can't see the screen for the 6ft bald bloke infront of me. Cock.

Typical.

"You alright babe?", Dan asks, one eye scanning my face for doubt. The other doing somersaults. His eyes have been fucked since birth apparantly.

"Yeah, i'm fine", i smile reasuringly. I reckon he knows that i'm bored. His hand entwined with mine is uncomfortable. Sweating like fuck. The lights dim as the movie starts. He slides his hand from mine (thank fuck) and sneaks it on to my thigh with caution. He's tense. Fanny fright.

The films wank, but we aren't really watching it anyway. I have my hand in his trackies. My coat over his lap to conceal this in-pant filth from the cinema audience. He's already got a semi. I stroke and grope him till i feel him growing solid.

He's solid.

The fun in his pants dosen't last longer than 2 minutes. His warm sticky love piss wet on my hand. The film should be finishing soon, better sort my self out. I slide my gooey hand from his pants and wipe the evidence of a backseat cinema sin on the seat infront. Sorted.