One for the fellas - how to make a girl cum.

So you want your bird to cum?

Fellas, you are gagging to shaft your bird (or whoevers bird this is you're about to shaft) and you really want to make her cum. But you don't know how!!! (Not if you're one of the idiots i've slept with anyway!)

So you bang away at her for ages, and nothing!! You're starting to worry that she may actualy be dead and not just asleep. But stop, don't worry, this is not necrophilism, you're just doing it all wrong.

Now, most women need more than just intercourse to orgasam, so just sticking your cock in isn't good enough. This is where the clitoris comes in.

What IS the clitoris?

The clitoris is a part of the female genitalia consisting of a small elongated highly sensitive erectile organ at the front of the vulva: homologous with the penis

Or to you and i,

The little bean up the top of the slit.

Now fellas, this little organ is vital. If you can touch it properly, you're guranteed a blow job and she might even let you stick it up her arse.

Nice one!!! But what do i have to do to it??

You need to play with it my friend. Untill she orgasams.

What IS an orgasam?

Orgasm, also called climax, is a physiological state of heightened sexual excitement and gratification that is followed by relaxation of sexual tensions and the body's muscles. It is marked by a feeling of sudden and intense pleasure.

Or in words you may understand better;

It's a fucking mint feeling in your fanny and the only reason you are in bed with us in the first place.

Now you know what everything is, you just need to know what TO do, and what NOT to do.

DON'T force as many fingers as you can fit up her all in one go.
DO Make sure she is wet before you try to put anything up her.

Dry fanny + Objects being stuffed up it = Severe pain for her & a black eye for you.

DON'T Rub her clit as hard as you can.
DO Learn to distinguish moans of agony from moans of pleasure, if the moans are ones of pain, stop what you're doing untill the moans are "OH YES" moans, if the moans are pleasurable, keep doing what you're doing my son!!!

SO many men think that rubbing really hard on a girls clit will make her cum and that the more she moans the more she is loving it. The moans that follow this kind of treatment are usualy ones of pain, i have felt like my fanny could burst in to flames at any moment when i have been rubbed too hard. You're trying to make her cum, not swipe her flaps off!! Follow her moans, if she wants it harder, do it gradually, and make sure she's nice and wet.

DON'T Literally try to eat her. Biting/sucking/nibbling and hard forcefull licks can be painfull.
DO lick her clit gentley, licking right down to her fuck hole and back up again. Using a finger or two to poke her/rubbing her thighs while you're licking is always a winner.

Burying your head in her crotch and being too rough really can be painfull. Again, listen to her, if she sounds pained, tone it down a little. She should be making a bit of a scene now, if she's pushing you away, practically having a fit you know you have done good job. Unless you know this girl is epileptic, then that could be a whole other situation and you should probably call an ambulance.

Valentines hand job on the back row.

Valentines day 2006. My boyfriend at the time, *Dan took me out. here's the story.

"Hello gorgeous", He says as i get in the car. He leans in to kiss me. He's gone abit wild on the colone. But atleast he dosen't stink of piss tonight.

"this is for you"

He hands me a red envelope. No rose or teddy bear. Thoughtfull. The folds are soggy and haven't stuck properly, too much spit. I slide the card out. It's illustrated with cartoon figures stood on a flaming heart. The 99p price sticker still present. Wanker.

"To Amy. Love from Dan xxx" - scribbled inside carelessley.

"thanks babe"

He smiles, asthough pleased with himself, "It's alright gorge", and puts his foot down, en route to the Boro.

The cinema is packed. We're late and there are few seats left. We find two at the back, having to clamber over an army of seated chavs, who are reluctant to make abit of room to let my fat arse slide past more discreetley. I don't make a scene. They might beat me.

The rustle of popcorn bags and sweet packets is getting right on my tits, and I can't see the screen for the 6ft bald bloke infront of me. Cock.

Typical.

"You alright babe?", Dan asks, one eye scanning my face for doubt. The other doing somersaults. His eyes have been fucked since birth apparantly.

"Yeah, i'm fine", i smile reasuringly. I reckon he knows that i'm bored. His hand entwined with mine is uncomfortable. Sweating like fuck. The lights dim as the movie starts. He slides his hand from mine (thank fuck) and sneaks it on to my thigh with caution. He's tense. Fanny fright.

The films wank, but we aren't really watching it anyway. I have my hand in his trackies. My coat over his lap to conceal this in-pant filth from the cinema audience. He's already got a semi. I stroke and grope him till i feel him growing solid.

He's solid.

The fun in his pants dosen't last longer than 2 minutes. His warm sticky love piss wet on my hand. The film should be finishing soon, better sort my self out. I slide my gooey hand from his pants and wipe the evidence of a backseat cinema sin on the seat infront. Sorted.

One night stands: A girls guide.

i have took in to account my experiences and stories i have been told from friends to help me write a guide to one night stands, here goes....

1- BE PREPARED. if you are off out and think there is chance your fanny will be in use at somepoint, GET RID OF THE PUBES!!!!! (and all body hair other than that on your head/lash lines/brow) shave it/wax it/immac it, whatever. just tidy it up. it dosen't take long and it really does save you the unnecesary fuckery later on - ie, locking yourself in his bathroom and using his razor to mow your minge. this will fuck any chance of this one night stand becoming a 2nd, or a 3rd (and so on) RIGHT up.

2- HIS OR MINE???. tricky one. if you choose his, remember to think thoroughly before you do so. ask yourself,

.do i have money for a taxi home in the morning?

.if i don't, is a shag really worth trecking home looking like a hooker first thing in the morning?? (you do have a vibrator at home..)

.do i know his name? this is important incase he has one of them tricky doors that only HE knows how to unlock to let you out in the morning. "excuse me mr sir who had his cock up me an hour ago, would you be kind enough to let me out?" - just no.

.if you choose yours,

3- BE TIDY. tidy up abit before you go out. he won't wanna stick his pork sword in a filthy cow!!!! (i usualy just throw ALL mess in to one room and make sure the door's shut. also pretending that you have a friend sleeping in that room is a great way for you to excuse yourself later on if the sex is THAT boring.) example - "oh fuck, i'm sure emma is calling me from the bedroom, she's autistic i really better go check on her" then shut yourself in the bedroom and give yourself chance to come up with an excuse to get him to leave. example - "emmas shit the bed and so needs to sleep in mine. you better leave"

4- POSITIONS. ok so you are probably really drunk and think you're a 6stone pornstar. YOU'RE NOT,, therfore creative positions are probably not such a good idea (a backward cowgirl incident i had confirmed this, but that's another story, for another blog.) also, this is a one night stand. this is a fuck, it's nothing. so you don't want it to feel like it's more than it is. personally, i think doggie is the best position for the one night stand.

BECAUSE.......

. you aren't face to face. no awkward eye contact. plus pretending he is somebody else is sooo much easier when you can't see him.

. deeper penetration. so if he has a little knob, this really is better for you.

. you can't smell his rank fucking breath, and he can't smell yours.

. you don't have to be cautious of your facial expresions. he can't see!!!

. if you are really bored, you can rest your chin on your hands and drift off.

. you can txt your friends/update your status via fb mobile and he's none the wiser.

if you aren't up for some doggie then i'd reccomend you get on top. on top is always good. you're in control, it's deep, and your lady bean gets stimulated at the same time. mint. however if you're too drunk for all that bouncing around then just lie there like a sack of shite while he bangs the fuck out of you. sorted.

5- DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. if this is just a "one night stand" - he dosen't need it. because this is just one night, right?? RIGHT. (i gave my number to a one night stand once cos i was drunk and stupid and he STILL phones me occasionaly.) so yes, no giving out the didgits.

6- YOU'VE HAD SEX. ok. you've fucked. it was alright.

if you're at his:

tell him you've gotta go. you have work/a wedding/a funeral to attend, whatever. if you're getting a taxi home, make sure you have credit to call one before you leave or are in walking distance of a rank, if not, get him to call you one. then just get the fuck out of there and get a shower. remember, if you do end up having to treck home, it ain't the walk of shame, it's the stride of pride!!!!!

if he's at yours:

you want him to leave so you can drift off, snore like a bear and fart sub-consciously, not having to worry about him being there. my favourite excuse is "i have work in an hour!!! you'll have to leave" (this is to be said strait after sex. if you're like me and like to just crash out after a beasting then this is the perfect excuse for you) he should hurridly get dressed and leave. if he dosen't seem to be hurrying, txt a friend and ask her to call you, pretend to be your boss or something so you're bullshit looks plausible. if he's still dothering about just tell him to hurry up and get the fuck out!!!!!!

7- finally he's fucked off. now txt your friends all the details and get some sleep!!!