One for the fellas - how to make a girl cum.

So you want your bird to cum?

Fellas, you are gagging to shaft your bird (or whoevers bird this is you're about to shaft) and you really want to make her cum. But you don't know how!!! (Not if you're one of the idiots i've slept with anyway!)

So you bang away at her for ages, and nothing!! You're starting to worry that she may actualy be dead and not just asleep. But stop, don't worry, this is not necrophilism, you're just doing it all wrong.

Now, most women need more than just intercourse to orgasam, so just sticking your cock in isn't good enough. This is where the clitoris comes in.

What IS the clitoris?

The clitoris is a part of the female genitalia consisting of a small elongated highly sensitive erectile organ at the front of the vulva: homologous with the penis

Or to you and i,

The little bean up the top of the slit.

Now fellas, this little organ is vital. If you can touch it properly, you're guranteed a blow job and she might even let you stick it up her arse.

Nice one!!! But what do i have to do to it??

You need to play with it my friend. Untill she orgasams.

What IS an orgasam?

Orgasm, also called climax, is a physiological state of heightened sexual excitement and gratification that is followed by relaxation of sexual tensions and the body's muscles. It is marked by a feeling of sudden and intense pleasure.

Or in words you may understand better;

It's a fucking mint feeling in your fanny and the only reason you are in bed with us in the first place.

Now you know what everything is, you just need to know what TO do, and what NOT to do.

DON'T force as many fingers as you can fit up her all in one go.
DO Make sure she is wet before you try to put anything up her.

Dry fanny + Objects being stuffed up it = Severe pain for her & a black eye for you.

DON'T Rub her clit as hard as you can.
DO Learn to distinguish moans of agony from moans of pleasure, if the moans are ones of pain, stop what you're doing untill the moans are "OH YES" moans, if the moans are pleasurable, keep doing what you're doing my son!!!

SO many men think that rubbing really hard on a girls clit will make her cum and that the more she moans the more she is loving it. The moans that follow this kind of treatment are usualy ones of pain, i have felt like my fanny could burst in to flames at any moment when i have been rubbed too hard. You're trying to make her cum, not swipe her flaps off!! Follow her moans, if she wants it harder, do it gradually, and make sure she's nice and wet.

DON'T Literally try to eat her. Biting/sucking/nibbling and hard forcefull licks can be painfull.
DO lick her clit gentley, licking right down to her fuck hole and back up again. Using a finger or two to poke her/rubbing her thighs while you're licking is always a winner.

Burying your head in her crotch and being too rough really can be painfull. Again, listen to her, if she sounds pained, tone it down a little. She should be making a bit of a scene now, if she's pushing you away, practically having a fit you know you have done good job. Unless you know this girl is epileptic, then that could be a whole other situation and you should probably call an ambulance.

The cherry pop.

The story of when i lost my virginity, when i was 16, can't remember dates or anything, just that it was fucking painfull and i vowed i'd never shag again. How full of shit was i? Anyway, me and my friend steph are on the westcliff in whitby drinking with some friends. Two of these friends are *Tom and *Wayne. I fancy Tom, she fancies Wayne. Here's the story...

Im too drunk. The 3 litre of cider i bought with my dinner money has taken its toll, and it's not even half empty. Tastes like piss, but i'll keep drinking anyway. Don't wanna ruin my reputation. Everybodys pissed. Waynes got his arm round Stephs shoulder. Cheeky hand on her boob.

"Here amy"

Tom chucks me a beer. I hate beer.

"Thanks Tom!!" I did have some cans but left them at home."

Full of shit.

I screw the lid on my bottle of piss and open the can before taking a pretend glug.

"Get it down you lass" He slurs with encouragement, before downing the rest of his own can.

I swallow a huge mouthfull. It ain't that bad. Steph dosen't look too well but she's assuring Wayne she's fine, and that she'll go for a walk with him when she finishes her drink. Dutch courage. I notice she's got her hand on his crotch. Dirty bitch.

Tom chucks his can on the floor and walks over to me. He sits down beside me and lights a fag. He smokes tough, His sad eyes stare blankly ahead as he takes a strong drag, holding the toke back a little longer than he can probably stand, then exhales the smoke with relife. The silence is awkward, so i light a fag too. He turns to me.

"You're gorgeous you Ame", he whispers.

I feel myself going red. I don't know what to say. It dosen't matter. He puts a strong hand on the back of my head and pulls me in for a kiss. He's a shit kisser. Too much tounge, and his breath is shitty. I kiss him back anyway.

We're layed on the grass still kissing. I know my new coat will be fucked with grass stains. But i don't care. I've liked Tom for ages, fell in love with him in detention, and now he's all over me!! I'm loving it. And so is he if his cocks anything to go by. I've been groping him, he's solid. He brakes the kiss, leaning up on his elbows.

"Do you wanna, you know?" His eyes dart down, assif to indicate he wants to stick it in my fanny.

"Okay." I smile, and nod.

I've never done this before. I undo my jeans, thank god i've shaved my fanny. He climbs on top of me. We're kissing again, slower and harder than before. My jeans are down and his cold hand wanders up my thigh.

"You alright?" he looks up at me, one hand holding the side of my head caringly, the other just inches from my wet gash. I nod, then kiss him. I'm ready for it.

His hand pulls my thong aside. He wants it. He's right between my legs now. I catch site of his knob as he waps it out. It reminds me of a frozen sausage. He climbs back on me, kissing harder than ever. Our breathings heavy and his hands between my legs, guiding his love stick in to me.

FUCKINGHELL.

Pain sores through my lower body. I think i've been stabbed. Our breathings so heavy now i'm conscious of it. His body is pressed hard against mine, he's moving up and down and groaning rhythmically. I join in. I learned that from the movies.

His moanings all over the place now. I'm getting cramp in my legs and i need a piss.

Come the fuck on.

He gives me a few final bangs and lets out a huge moan, his body pressed up to mine as close as possible, he holds there for several moments, then breathes out a sigh of relief, before sliding out and rolling over to lay beside me on the grass. I quickly rearange my knickers then pull up and fasten my jeans. My fanny's killing.

"That was mint", he says through a smile.

"Yeah. It was" I lie.

Steph and Wayne return about half an hour later. Her hairs a mess and her eyes are full of gossip. Blatlently just been knobbed.

"Right, we better get going then lasses", Tom says, kissing me before he gets up to leave.

Steph gives Wayne a goodbye snog while he has a quick grope of her arse.

"Come on knobead", Tom shouts, stopping in his tracks realising Waynes tied to Steph by the tounge. One last peck on her dirty mouth and he's done.

"See yas soon lasses"

"Bye!!" We shout in unison.

And off they fuck down the street, probably talking about what a pair of sluts me and Steph are. But that's ok, cos i'm gonna tell Steph how shite he was when we get home.

One night stands: A girls guide.

i have took in to account my experiences and stories i have been told from friends to help me write a guide to one night stands, here goes....

1- BE PREPARED. if you are off out and think there is chance your fanny will be in use at somepoint, GET RID OF THE PUBES!!!!! (and all body hair other than that on your head/lash lines/brow) shave it/wax it/immac it, whatever. just tidy it up. it dosen't take long and it really does save you the unnecesary fuckery later on - ie, locking yourself in his bathroom and using his razor to mow your minge. this will fuck any chance of this one night stand becoming a 2nd, or a 3rd (and so on) RIGHT up.

2- HIS OR MINE???. tricky one. if you choose his, remember to think thoroughly before you do so. ask yourself,

.do i have money for a taxi home in the morning?

.if i don't, is a shag really worth trecking home looking like a hooker first thing in the morning?? (you do have a vibrator at home..)

.do i know his name? this is important incase he has one of them tricky doors that only HE knows how to unlock to let you out in the morning. "excuse me mr sir who had his cock up me an hour ago, would you be kind enough to let me out?" - just no.

.if you choose yours,

3- BE TIDY. tidy up abit before you go out. he won't wanna stick his pork sword in a filthy cow!!!! (i usualy just throw ALL mess in to one room and make sure the door's shut. also pretending that you have a friend sleeping in that room is a great way for you to excuse yourself later on if the sex is THAT boring.) example - "oh fuck, i'm sure emma is calling me from the bedroom, she's autistic i really better go check on her" then shut yourself in the bedroom and give yourself chance to come up with an excuse to get him to leave. example - "emmas shit the bed and so needs to sleep in mine. you better leave"

4- POSITIONS. ok so you are probably really drunk and think you're a 6stone pornstar. YOU'RE NOT,, therfore creative positions are probably not such a good idea (a backward cowgirl incident i had confirmed this, but that's another story, for another blog.) also, this is a one night stand. this is a fuck, it's nothing. so you don't want it to feel like it's more than it is. personally, i think doggie is the best position for the one night stand.

BECAUSE.......

. you aren't face to face. no awkward eye contact. plus pretending he is somebody else is sooo much easier when you can't see him.

. deeper penetration. so if he has a little knob, this really is better for you.

. you can't smell his rank fucking breath, and he can't smell yours.

. you don't have to be cautious of your facial expresions. he can't see!!!

. if you are really bored, you can rest your chin on your hands and drift off.

. you can txt your friends/update your status via fb mobile and he's none the wiser.

if you aren't up for some doggie then i'd reccomend you get on top. on top is always good. you're in control, it's deep, and your lady bean gets stimulated at the same time. mint. however if you're too drunk for all that bouncing around then just lie there like a sack of shite while he bangs the fuck out of you. sorted.

5- DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. if this is just a "one night stand" - he dosen't need it. because this is just one night, right?? RIGHT. (i gave my number to a one night stand once cos i was drunk and stupid and he STILL phones me occasionaly.) so yes, no giving out the didgits.

6- YOU'VE HAD SEX. ok. you've fucked. it was alright.

if you're at his:

tell him you've gotta go. you have work/a wedding/a funeral to attend, whatever. if you're getting a taxi home, make sure you have credit to call one before you leave or are in walking distance of a rank, if not, get him to call you one. then just get the fuck out of there and get a shower. remember, if you do end up having to treck home, it ain't the walk of shame, it's the stride of pride!!!!!

if he's at yours:

you want him to leave so you can drift off, snore like a bear and fart sub-consciously, not having to worry about him being there. my favourite excuse is "i have work in an hour!!! you'll have to leave" (this is to be said strait after sex. if you're like me and like to just crash out after a beasting then this is the perfect excuse for you) he should hurridly get dressed and leave. if he dosen't seem to be hurrying, txt a friend and ask her to call you, pretend to be your boss or something so you're bullshit looks plausible. if he's still dothering about just tell him to hurry up and get the fuck out!!!!!!

7- finally he's fucked off. now txt your friends all the details and get some sleep!!!

wanking distraction

Ok, so i watch alot of porn. youporn, pornhub, redtube, youjizz, rude tube etc, etc, all offer some great inspiration for zee masturbation. They give us tits, cock and arse, and they give us it for FREE - and who dosen't like free stuff? especially free stuff that's NAKED. (if you answered "me", you have no place on my blog..)

ANYWAY... i was home alone the other day, had already stalked all of my facebook contacts and eaten everything in the kitchen, so thought i would spend some quality time with my lady organ. I stick on a porno, which was really slow moving (they are still layed kissing and cuddling fully clothed 4 minutes in!!!) but i waited 15 minutes for this shit to buffer so i'm gonna watch it anyway. So yeah, they're kissing and groping and, you know... (i don't have to go in to detail really do i) anyway one thing leads to another and before i know it she's on top, riding him like a pony, that's when i see it!!!!!

what have i seen you ask?????




SOME FUCKING DUDE CASUALLY SAT IN THE CORNER!!!!!!!

who is that guy!?!? do they know he is present!?!? who invited him!?! and why does he not look like he is loving his situation!??! seeing him sat there lead me to imagine what kind of things could be going through his mind...

Maybe he was thinking "FOR FUCKS SAKE MUM!!! could you PLEASE move over to the left a little, i can't see the fucking telly!!!!!! Or pherhaps he is contemplating what to have for dinner. Pasta, pizza, pasta, pizza???? and so forth... who knows???? All i know is this dude disrupted my wank, and for that, i will never forgive him.