Meeting the parents.

I've had one long term it lasted a month realationship, and this realationship was the only one where i was took back to his to meet the parents. I'll call him *Rodney, cos only fools n horses is on next door to keep his identity safe. He's picked me up at mine and we're at his door. Here's the story....



I walk in behind Rodney. Heating must be on full blast. Like a sauna in here. Shouldn't have worn grey. Sweat patches are gonna stand right out. We take our shoes off, Rodneys orders.

We walk down the dindgey hallway, wallpaper's peeling and the carpet feels damp under my socks. Probably piss. We enter the living room.

A fat man in a stained tshirt is slumped out on the biggest sofa, puffing hard on a cig, an overflowing ashtray in his podgey hand, his chesty breathing drownding the ding of the telly. His greasy hair is wild, and his red face is scrunched beneath his jam-jars, trying to see who's just entered the room.

"Hiya Mam. This is my girlfirend, Amy", Rodney says to the fat man on the sofa.

She calmly takes another toke of her fag, i can feel myself going red, her eyes scan me up and down several times before exhaling her smoke. She docks her fag out in the dirty ashtray and leans forward to put it ontop of some shite on the coffee table infront of her. I see down her top as she does so, confirming she's female. She leans back in to her chair and farts. She shuffles again causing the leather to squeek, assif to conceal her flatulence. Tramp. A warm smile spreads across her face.

"Hiya love. Nice to meet you." she finally says cheerfully.

"You too", i reply. Maybe a little too enthusiastically.

"where's dad then Mam?"

"He's round the pub love. You should pop up with Amy, go say hiya while i put the tea on," - she wants shot of me.

"Sounds like a plan. Be back in about an hour then. See you later Mam"

"See yous back for tea. Lovely meeting you love."

"You too", i say with a smile, before following Rodney out of her foggy little piss pit, leaving her to scratch her flaps in peace. Thank fuck that's over. Now on to meet the father.

I can tell who his father is as soon as we walk in the pub. He's the only one in here.

"Rodney! How are you son?", he exclaims, asthough he's not seen him in years. He waves us over to his table.

"Fine dad thanks" Rodney replys as he pulls up two seats.

"And who's this lovely young lady?", he chirps. his old pervy kind eyes twinkling.

"My bird dad, Amy."

He smiles at me.

"Well it's lovely to meet you Annie."

"It's Amy dad."

"Ahh sorry! Amy. Yes, Amy."

Tosser.

"You too."

"do you's want a drink then or..??" Looking to me, then Rodney, then back at me.

"Yeah go on then dad. It'll have to be a quick 'un though, Mam's got the tea on."

"Yeah no worries"

"I'll have a pint and Amy'll have a Vodka coke then please."

"You go get em son, good lad."

Rodney lets out a sigh.

"Alright dad no worries."

I get my phone out and pretend to txt. I hate being left alone with strangers. Can't pretend to txt for too long. I get a fag out and spark it up. I reach to grab the ashtray, at the same time he leans to pass it my way, causing our hands to touch.

"Sorry!" I say awkwardly.

"No bother love." He replies. Probs got a boner from the skin to skin contact.

Rodney returns with the drinks moments later.

"Thanks babe."

"Cheers son."

"No worries. Cheers."

I stir my glass before taking a big sip. Love a vodka. Rodney and his Dad start chatting about the footie scores, i sit smiling like a wanker assif i know what they're talking about. Forcing a laugh everytime they burst out in piss fits. The door opens pausing their conversation as we all turn our heads to the door. A large lady scurries in, an icy breeze follows, then her arse. She looks over at our table and does a double take.

"Well if it isn't old Rich", she exclaims, quickly approaching our table, that vibrates with each of her footsteps. Rodneys dad stands up and goes to greet her with a hug. He escorts her to the bar while they ramble old people bollocks. Rodney leans in to kiss me.

"Lets get going eh babe? Tea should be done now."

"Yeah think we'd better"

I stand outside to have a fag while Rodney goes for a slash and to tell his dad we'll see him back at the house. He'd gone from the bar when we got up to leave. Probs shagging fattie in the toilet.

Wonder what dinner's gonna be like...