Meeting the parents part 2.

Follow up from meeting the parents. I have met my boyfriends mam at his house, been to the pub to have a drink with his dad and we've just got back to the house, sat at the table ready to eat dinner.

"Eat up kids!" Chirps Rodneys mam, knife and fork in hand ready to slaughter her plate of shite shepheards pie.

Shouldn't we wait for dad, mam? He'll be back any mi..

Fuck him!! He's too busy getting pissed down the pub. Can make his own fucking dinner!

She snaps, before Rodney can finish, spitting a little bit of mince meat on to my plate as she does so.

Nice.

Rodney kicks my foot playfully under the table as we eat in an awkward silence. I return the kicks, smiling to myself. Moments later he gets up from his seat and strolls out of the room.

Just off for a slash. He shouts down the hallway.

Great.

Left alone with this fat cunt his mam, who is too busy shoveling her homemade slop down her throat to even notice Rodneys abscence.

My eyes wander around the room, asthough it'll speed time up and Rodney will be back faster. I notice several photos standing proudly on a clutterd cabinet.

A handi-capped child in mustard dungarees stares back at me from one crumpled picture.

Unnerving.

A large lady in an old wedding dress linking arms with a pint sized groom beam back at me from the picture next to it.

Must be his mam and dads wedding photo.

"You looked like a bloke in a dress lovely on your wedding day" I say enthusiastically, breaking the ice.

She looks up from her plate, and at the photo on the cabinet, a dribble of gravy clings to her third chin, another fresh on her tshirt plays neighbour to an ancient bean stain.

Was the best day of my life that was.

She pauses, staring at the photo for a moment, her happy eyes twinkle with memories.

"The best day of my life." She repeats, with a proud smile on her face.

What's that Mam?

Rodneys back from the shitter.Thank fuck.

My wedding day son. She mumbles, before getting stuck back in to her dinner.

What about the day you had me!?

Aye, that too. You were a beautiful baby son. Wasn't he Amy?"

She nods at the handi-capped child in mustard dungarees picture, indicating this little fucker is indeed, my boyfriend. She pauses proudly, waiting for my reply.

Really cute! I lie, whilst visually plotting my hysterectomy.

Rodney's blushing.

Aye. He was amazing. My blue eyed boy. Hard work babies mind, they're cute and cuddly but shitty nappies, sleepless nights and child birth aren't so fun.

I can feel myself burning red as images of Rodneys mam in labour pollute my mind.

It fucking hurts Amy. I was in labour 16 hours with our Rodney. The pain is just excruciating.

Rodneys eyes widen. He throws his mum a shut the fuck look.

Don't be giving me that look lad! I'm talking from experience. The last thing you two want is a baby. Trust me Amy, it's hard work. Our Rodney massacared my fanny. I was torn in half! They had to sti..

MAM. We're eating! Rodney shrieks, his face crimson.

Well i'm just letting you know. When you two start sleeping together i just want you to be carefull. She says, her voice stern. She goes to get up, but pauses for a second, throws us both a look individually, then hoists herself up from her chair before waddling in to the kitchen with an empty plate.

Rodney sits silent for several minutes, his head in his hands.

I'm so sorry about her. She's so embarrasing! He whispers finally.

I rub his thigh, assuring him it's ok.

We should get off before she comes and ties your tubes! Rodney jokes.

We leave the table all giggly then treck up the pissy hallway in to the equally pissy living room to say our goodbyes to his mam, who is sprawled out like a human vegetable back on the sofa that me and Rodney are going to have sex on when she goes to visit her sister next month that she was vegging on when i first met her.

Right mam, we're off now.

Alright love. You walk Amy home and fetch me some fags on your way back could you son?

He pauses before replying, big momma is obviously under the impression her son is just walking me home.

I'm staying at Amys tonight mam. I'll pop to the pub now though to get you some before i..

Fuck it. It dosen't matter then.

Her angry eyes fix on the telly and i can hear her teeth grind.

She's gonna blow.

Alright mam. See you tomorrow then.

See you soon I say, with absoloutley no intention of seeing her ever again, never mind soon!

She responds with a grunt then flicks the channel over.

She loves me.

(Me and Rodney broke up about a fortnight later. I never saw his mam again, but it is belived she eventually became part of the sofa.)