One night stands: A girls guide.

i have took in to account my experiences and stories i have been told from friends to help me write a guide to one night stands, here goes....

1- BE PREPARED. if you are off out and think there is chance your fanny will be in use at somepoint, GET RID OF THE PUBES!!!!! (and all body hair other than that on your head/lash lines/brow) shave it/wax it/immac it, whatever. just tidy it up. it dosen't take long and it really does save you the unnecesary fuckery later on - ie, locking yourself in his bathroom and using his razor to mow your minge. this will fuck any chance of this one night stand becoming a 2nd, or a 3rd (and so on) RIGHT up.

2- HIS OR MINE???. tricky one. if you choose his, remember to think thoroughly before you do so. ask yourself,

.do i have money for a taxi home in the morning?

.if i don't, is a shag really worth trecking home looking like a hooker first thing in the morning?? (you do have a vibrator at home..)

.do i know his name? this is important incase he has one of them tricky doors that only HE knows how to unlock to let you out in the morning. "excuse me mr sir who had his cock up me an hour ago, would you be kind enough to let me out?" - just no.

.if you choose yours,

3- BE TIDY. tidy up abit before you go out. he won't wanna stick his pork sword in a filthy cow!!!! (i usualy just throw ALL mess in to one room and make sure the door's shut. also pretending that you have a friend sleeping in that room is a great way for you to excuse yourself later on if the sex is THAT boring.) example - "oh fuck, i'm sure emma is calling me from the bedroom, she's autistic i really better go check on her" then shut yourself in the bedroom and give yourself chance to come up with an excuse to get him to leave. example - "emmas shit the bed and so needs to sleep in mine. you better leave"

4- POSITIONS. ok so you are probably really drunk and think you're a 6stone pornstar. YOU'RE NOT,, therfore creative positions are probably not such a good idea (a backward cowgirl incident i had confirmed this, but that's another story, for another blog.) also, this is a one night stand. this is a fuck, it's nothing. so you don't want it to feel like it's more than it is. personally, i think doggie is the best position for the one night stand.

BECAUSE.......

. you aren't face to face. no awkward eye contact. plus pretending he is somebody else is sooo much easier when you can't see him.

. deeper penetration. so if he has a little knob, this really is better for you.

. you can't smell his rank fucking breath, and he can't smell yours.

. you don't have to be cautious of your facial expresions. he can't see!!!

. if you are really bored, you can rest your chin on your hands and drift off.

. you can txt your friends/update your status via fb mobile and he's none the wiser.

if you aren't up for some doggie then i'd reccomend you get on top. on top is always good. you're in control, it's deep, and your lady bean gets stimulated at the same time. mint. however if you're too drunk for all that bouncing around then just lie there like a sack of shite while he bangs the fuck out of you. sorted.

5- DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. if this is just a "one night stand" - he dosen't need it. because this is just one night, right?? RIGHT. (i gave my number to a one night stand once cos i was drunk and stupid and he STILL phones me occasionaly.) so yes, no giving out the didgits.

6- YOU'VE HAD SEX. ok. you've fucked. it was alright.

if you're at his:

tell him you've gotta go. you have work/a wedding/a funeral to attend, whatever. if you're getting a taxi home, make sure you have credit to call one before you leave or are in walking distance of a rank, if not, get him to call you one. then just get the fuck out of there and get a shower. remember, if you do end up having to treck home, it ain't the walk of shame, it's the stride of pride!!!!!

if he's at yours:

you want him to leave so you can drift off, snore like a bear and fart sub-consciously, not having to worry about him being there. my favourite excuse is "i have work in an hour!!! you'll have to leave" (this is to be said strait after sex. if you're like me and like to just crash out after a beasting then this is the perfect excuse for you) he should hurridly get dressed and leave. if he dosen't seem to be hurrying, txt a friend and ask her to call you, pretend to be your boss or something so you're bullshit looks plausible. if he's still dothering about just tell him to hurry up and get the fuck out!!!!!!

7- finally he's fucked off. now txt your friends all the details and get some sleep!!!