One for the fellas - how to make a girl cum.

So you want your bird to cum?

Fellas, you are gagging to shaft your bird (or whoevers bird this is you're about to shaft) and you really want to make her cum. But you don't know how!!! (Not if you're one of the idiots i've slept with anyway!)

So you bang away at her for ages, and nothing!! You're starting to worry that she may actualy be dead and not just asleep. But stop, don't worry, this is not necrophilism, you're just doing it all wrong.

Now, most women need more than just intercourse to orgasam, so just sticking your cock in isn't good enough. This is where the clitoris comes in.

What IS the clitoris?

The clitoris is a part of the female genitalia consisting of a small elongated highly sensitive erectile organ at the front of the vulva: homologous with the penis

Or to you and i,

The little bean up the top of the slit.

Now fellas, this little organ is vital. If you can touch it properly, you're guranteed a blow job and she might even let you stick it up her arse.

Nice one!!! But what do i have to do to it??

You need to play with it my friend. Untill she orgasams.

What IS an orgasam?

Orgasm, also called climax, is a physiological state of heightened sexual excitement and gratification that is followed by relaxation of sexual tensions and the body's muscles. It is marked by a feeling of sudden and intense pleasure.

Or in words you may understand better;

It's a fucking mint feeling in your fanny and the only reason you are in bed with us in the first place.

Now you know what everything is, you just need to know what TO do, and what NOT to do.

DON'T force as many fingers as you can fit up her all in one go.
DO Make sure she is wet before you try to put anything up her.

Dry fanny + Objects being stuffed up it = Severe pain for her & a black eye for you.

DON'T Rub her clit as hard as you can.
DO Learn to distinguish moans of agony from moans of pleasure, if the moans are ones of pain, stop what you're doing untill the moans are "OH YES" moans, if the moans are pleasurable, keep doing what you're doing my son!!!

SO many men think that rubbing really hard on a girls clit will make her cum and that the more she moans the more she is loving it. The moans that follow this kind of treatment are usualy ones of pain, i have felt like my fanny could burst in to flames at any moment when i have been rubbed too hard. You're trying to make her cum, not swipe her flaps off!! Follow her moans, if she wants it harder, do it gradually, and make sure she's nice and wet.

DON'T Literally try to eat her. Biting/sucking/nibbling and hard forcefull licks can be painfull.
DO lick her clit gentley, licking right down to her fuck hole and back up again. Using a finger or two to poke her/rubbing her thighs while you're licking is always a winner.

Burying your head in her crotch and being too rough really can be painfull. Again, listen to her, if she sounds pained, tone it down a little. She should be making a bit of a scene now, if she's pushing you away, practically having a fit you know you have done good job. Unless you know this girl is epileptic, then that could be a whole other situation and you should probably call an ambulance.

Pros and cons of fucking on the first date.

PROS OF FUCKING ON THE FIRST DATE.

- You get to test out his fuck wand.

If it's massive, and/or he knows how to use it, you know that you didn't waste time shaving your fanny before this date, you can start to think about a future together and you know even if other aspects of the realationship are shitty, he compensates in cock.

If it's tiny and/or he is shit then you can make your excuses right now, it's better to spring the old "sorry sebastian, but i haven't gotten over the death of my pet budgie yet, i'm just not ready for a realationship" line, sooner, rather than later.

- You get to impress him.

This first shag is absoloutley essential. If you fuck it up he is definitely not going to want to see you again. So it is very important that:

1 - You are not TOO drunk. Throwing up/passing out during sex is so not the way forward. (Trust me, i know!)

2 - You are presentable "down there". I can't stress this enough!! SHAVE YOUR FUCKING MINGE. Your chances of a 2nd date will increase by 99.9%, and a quick spritz of perfume on your tuppence before you "get down to buisness" is always a nice touch.

3 - If your taking him back to yours, be prepared!!

Tidy up before you go out just incase. Hide all embarrasing items that could make him go off you; Teddy bears/boy band posters/soiled underwear etc, etc. If he is really in to something, making it look like you are in to the same bullshit could really benefit you! Example, you know this guy is a huge fan of astronomy, so you stick a telescope infront of the window and leave a few globes lying around. He will be so impressed, he'll probably rim you.


3 - The date wasn't a waste of time!

So your date didn't go too well. He bored the clit off you/smelt a little/didn't pay the bill/made fun of your disabled brother/his accent was annoying - whatever, the date was a waste of time.

BUTTT...

He is still gorgeous and worth a ride!!!! Fuck him anyway. You owe it to yourself after putting up with him on your date!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CONS OF FUCKING ON THE FIRST DATE.

1 - He thinks.. You're a slag.

Let's just weigh up the pros and the cons.....







Drum roll please.....




















..............





















PROS WIN!!!!!!!! GET HIM SHAGGED!!!!!

Meeting the parents part 2.

Follow up from meeting the parents. I have met my boyfriends mam at his house, been to the pub to have a drink with his dad and we've just got back to the house, sat at the table ready to eat dinner.

"Eat up kids!" Chirps Rodneys mam, knife and fork in hand ready to slaughter her plate of shite shepheards pie.

Shouldn't we wait for dad, mam? He'll be back any mi..

Fuck him!! He's too busy getting pissed down the pub. Can make his own fucking dinner!

She snaps, before Rodney can finish, spitting a little bit of mince meat on to my plate as she does so.

Nice.

Rodney kicks my foot playfully under the table as we eat in an awkward silence. I return the kicks, smiling to myself. Moments later he gets up from his seat and strolls out of the room.

Just off for a slash. He shouts down the hallway.

Great.

Left alone with this fat cunt his mam, who is too busy shoveling her homemade slop down her throat to even notice Rodneys abscence.

My eyes wander around the room, asthough it'll speed time up and Rodney will be back faster. I notice several photos standing proudly on a clutterd cabinet.

A handi-capped child in mustard dungarees stares back at me from one crumpled picture.

Unnerving.

A large lady in an old wedding dress linking arms with a pint sized groom beam back at me from the picture next to it.

Must be his mam and dads wedding photo.

"You looked like a bloke in a dress lovely on your wedding day" I say enthusiastically, breaking the ice.

She looks up from her plate, and at the photo on the cabinet, a dribble of gravy clings to her third chin, another fresh on her tshirt plays neighbour to an ancient bean stain.

Was the best day of my life that was.

She pauses, staring at the photo for a moment, her happy eyes twinkle with memories.

"The best day of my life." She repeats, with a proud smile on her face.

What's that Mam?

Rodneys back from the shitter.Thank fuck.

My wedding day son. She mumbles, before getting stuck back in to her dinner.

What about the day you had me!?

Aye, that too. You were a beautiful baby son. Wasn't he Amy?"

She nods at the handi-capped child in mustard dungarees picture, indicating this little fucker is indeed, my boyfriend. She pauses proudly, waiting for my reply.

Really cute! I lie, whilst visually plotting my hysterectomy.

Rodney's blushing.

Aye. He was amazing. My blue eyed boy. Hard work babies mind, they're cute and cuddly but shitty nappies, sleepless nights and child birth aren't so fun.

I can feel myself burning red as images of Rodneys mam in labour pollute my mind.

It fucking hurts Amy. I was in labour 16 hours with our Rodney. The pain is just excruciating.

Rodneys eyes widen. He throws his mum a shut the fuck look.

Don't be giving me that look lad! I'm talking from experience. The last thing you two want is a baby. Trust me Amy, it's hard work. Our Rodney massacared my fanny. I was torn in half! They had to sti..

MAM. We're eating! Rodney shrieks, his face crimson.

Well i'm just letting you know. When you two start sleeping together i just want you to be carefull. She says, her voice stern. She goes to get up, but pauses for a second, throws us both a look individually, then hoists herself up from her chair before waddling in to the kitchen with an empty plate.

Rodney sits silent for several minutes, his head in his hands.

I'm so sorry about her. She's so embarrasing! He whispers finally.

I rub his thigh, assuring him it's ok.

We should get off before she comes and ties your tubes! Rodney jokes.

We leave the table all giggly then treck up the pissy hallway in to the equally pissy living room to say our goodbyes to his mam, who is sprawled out like a human vegetable back on the sofa that me and Rodney are going to have sex on when she goes to visit her sister next month that she was vegging on when i first met her.

Right mam, we're off now.

Alright love. You walk Amy home and fetch me some fags on your way back could you son?

He pauses before replying, big momma is obviously under the impression her son is just walking me home.

I'm staying at Amys tonight mam. I'll pop to the pub now though to get you some before i..

Fuck it. It dosen't matter then.

Her angry eyes fix on the telly and i can hear her teeth grind.

She's gonna blow.

Alright mam. See you tomorrow then.

See you soon I say, with absoloutley no intention of seeing her ever again, never mind soon!

She responds with a grunt then flicks the channel over.

She loves me.

(Me and Rodney broke up about a fortnight later. I never saw his mam again, but it is belived she eventually became part of the sofa.)

Meeting the parents.

I've had one long term it lasted a month realationship, and this realationship was the only one where i was took back to his to meet the parents. I'll call him *Rodney, cos only fools n horses is on next door to keep his identity safe. He's picked me up at mine and we're at his door. Here's the story....



I walk in behind Rodney. Heating must be on full blast. Like a sauna in here. Shouldn't have worn grey. Sweat patches are gonna stand right out. We take our shoes off, Rodneys orders.

We walk down the dindgey hallway, wallpaper's peeling and the carpet feels damp under my socks. Probably piss. We enter the living room.

A fat man in a stained tshirt is slumped out on the biggest sofa, puffing hard on a cig, an overflowing ashtray in his podgey hand, his chesty breathing drownding the ding of the telly. His greasy hair is wild, and his red face is scrunched beneath his jam-jars, trying to see who's just entered the room.

"Hiya Mam. This is my girlfirend, Amy", Rodney says to the fat man on the sofa.

She calmly takes another toke of her fag, i can feel myself going red, her eyes scan me up and down several times before exhaling her smoke. She docks her fag out in the dirty ashtray and leans forward to put it ontop of some shite on the coffee table infront of her. I see down her top as she does so, confirming she's female. She leans back in to her chair and farts. She shuffles again causing the leather to squeek, assif to conceal her flatulence. Tramp. A warm smile spreads across her face.

"Hiya love. Nice to meet you." she finally says cheerfully.

"You too", i reply. Maybe a little too enthusiastically.

"where's dad then Mam?"

"He's round the pub love. You should pop up with Amy, go say hiya while i put the tea on," - she wants shot of me.

"Sounds like a plan. Be back in about an hour then. See you later Mam"

"See yous back for tea. Lovely meeting you love."

"You too", i say with a smile, before following Rodney out of her foggy little piss pit, leaving her to scratch her flaps in peace. Thank fuck that's over. Now on to meet the father.

I can tell who his father is as soon as we walk in the pub. He's the only one in here.

"Rodney! How are you son?", he exclaims, asthough he's not seen him in years. He waves us over to his table.

"Fine dad thanks" Rodney replys as he pulls up two seats.

"And who's this lovely young lady?", he chirps. his old pervy kind eyes twinkling.

"My bird dad, Amy."

He smiles at me.

"Well it's lovely to meet you Annie."

"It's Amy dad."

"Ahh sorry! Amy. Yes, Amy."

Tosser.

"You too."

"do you's want a drink then or..??" Looking to me, then Rodney, then back at me.

"Yeah go on then dad. It'll have to be a quick 'un though, Mam's got the tea on."

"Yeah no worries"

"I'll have a pint and Amy'll have a Vodka coke then please."

"You go get em son, good lad."

Rodney lets out a sigh.

"Alright dad no worries."

I get my phone out and pretend to txt. I hate being left alone with strangers. Can't pretend to txt for too long. I get a fag out and spark it up. I reach to grab the ashtray, at the same time he leans to pass it my way, causing our hands to touch.

"Sorry!" I say awkwardly.

"No bother love." He replies. Probs got a boner from the skin to skin contact.

Rodney returns with the drinks moments later.

"Thanks babe."

"Cheers son."

"No worries. Cheers."

I stir my glass before taking a big sip. Love a vodka. Rodney and his Dad start chatting about the footie scores, i sit smiling like a wanker assif i know what they're talking about. Forcing a laugh everytime they burst out in piss fits. The door opens pausing their conversation as we all turn our heads to the door. A large lady scurries in, an icy breeze follows, then her arse. She looks over at our table and does a double take.

"Well if it isn't old Rich", she exclaims, quickly approaching our table, that vibrates with each of her footsteps. Rodneys dad stands up and goes to greet her with a hug. He escorts her to the bar while they ramble old people bollocks. Rodney leans in to kiss me.

"Lets get going eh babe? Tea should be done now."

"Yeah think we'd better"

I stand outside to have a fag while Rodney goes for a slash and to tell his dad we'll see him back at the house. He'd gone from the bar when we got up to leave. Probs shagging fattie in the toilet.

Wonder what dinner's gonna be like...

The cherry pop.

The story of when i lost my virginity, when i was 16, can't remember dates or anything, just that it was fucking painfull and i vowed i'd never shag again. How full of shit was i? Anyway, me and my friend steph are on the westcliff in whitby drinking with some friends. Two of these friends are *Tom and *Wayne. I fancy Tom, she fancies Wayne. Here's the story...

Im too drunk. The 3 litre of cider i bought with my dinner money has taken its toll, and it's not even half empty. Tastes like piss, but i'll keep drinking anyway. Don't wanna ruin my reputation. Everybodys pissed. Waynes got his arm round Stephs shoulder. Cheeky hand on her boob.

"Here amy"

Tom chucks me a beer. I hate beer.

"Thanks Tom!!" I did have some cans but left them at home."

Full of shit.

I screw the lid on my bottle of piss and open the can before taking a pretend glug.

"Get it down you lass" He slurs with encouragement, before downing the rest of his own can.

I swallow a huge mouthfull. It ain't that bad. Steph dosen't look too well but she's assuring Wayne she's fine, and that she'll go for a walk with him when she finishes her drink. Dutch courage. I notice she's got her hand on his crotch. Dirty bitch.

Tom chucks his can on the floor and walks over to me. He sits down beside me and lights a fag. He smokes tough, His sad eyes stare blankly ahead as he takes a strong drag, holding the toke back a little longer than he can probably stand, then exhales the smoke with relife. The silence is awkward, so i light a fag too. He turns to me.

"You're gorgeous you Ame", he whispers.

I feel myself going red. I don't know what to say. It dosen't matter. He puts a strong hand on the back of my head and pulls me in for a kiss. He's a shit kisser. Too much tounge, and his breath is shitty. I kiss him back anyway.

We're layed on the grass still kissing. I know my new coat will be fucked with grass stains. But i don't care. I've liked Tom for ages, fell in love with him in detention, and now he's all over me!! I'm loving it. And so is he if his cocks anything to go by. I've been groping him, he's solid. He brakes the kiss, leaning up on his elbows.

"Do you wanna, you know?" His eyes dart down, assif to indicate he wants to stick it in my fanny.

"Okay." I smile, and nod.

I've never done this before. I undo my jeans, thank god i've shaved my fanny. He climbs on top of me. We're kissing again, slower and harder than before. My jeans are down and his cold hand wanders up my thigh.

"You alright?" he looks up at me, one hand holding the side of my head caringly, the other just inches from my wet gash. I nod, then kiss him. I'm ready for it.

His hand pulls my thong aside. He wants it. He's right between my legs now. I catch site of his knob as he waps it out. It reminds me of a frozen sausage. He climbs back on me, kissing harder than ever. Our breathings heavy and his hands between my legs, guiding his love stick in to me.

FUCKINGHELL.

Pain sores through my lower body. I think i've been stabbed. Our breathings so heavy now i'm conscious of it. His body is pressed hard against mine, he's moving up and down and groaning rhythmically. I join in. I learned that from the movies.

His moanings all over the place now. I'm getting cramp in my legs and i need a piss.

Come the fuck on.

He gives me a few final bangs and lets out a huge moan, his body pressed up to mine as close as possible, he holds there for several moments, then breathes out a sigh of relief, before sliding out and rolling over to lay beside me on the grass. I quickly rearange my knickers then pull up and fasten my jeans. My fanny's killing.

"That was mint", he says through a smile.

"Yeah. It was" I lie.

Steph and Wayne return about half an hour later. Her hairs a mess and her eyes are full of gossip. Blatlently just been knobbed.

"Right, we better get going then lasses", Tom says, kissing me before he gets up to leave.

Steph gives Wayne a goodbye snog while he has a quick grope of her arse.

"Come on knobead", Tom shouts, stopping in his tracks realising Waynes tied to Steph by the tounge. One last peck on her dirty mouth and he's done.

"See yas soon lasses"

"Bye!!" We shout in unison.

And off they fuck down the street, probably talking about what a pair of sluts me and Steph are. But that's ok, cos i'm gonna tell Steph how shite he was when we get home.

Valentines hand job on the back row.

Valentines day 2006. My boyfriend at the time, *Dan took me out. here's the story.

"Hello gorgeous", He says as i get in the car. He leans in to kiss me. He's gone abit wild on the colone. But atleast he dosen't stink of piss tonight.

"this is for you"

He hands me a red envelope. No rose or teddy bear. Thoughtfull. The folds are soggy and haven't stuck properly, too much spit. I slide the card out. It's illustrated with cartoon figures stood on a flaming heart. The 99p price sticker still present. Wanker.

"To Amy. Love from Dan xxx" - scribbled inside carelessley.

"thanks babe"

He smiles, asthough pleased with himself, "It's alright gorge", and puts his foot down, en route to the Boro.

The cinema is packed. We're late and there are few seats left. We find two at the back, having to clamber over an army of seated chavs, who are reluctant to make abit of room to let my fat arse slide past more discreetley. I don't make a scene. They might beat me.

The rustle of popcorn bags and sweet packets is getting right on my tits, and I can't see the screen for the 6ft bald bloke infront of me. Cock.

Typical.

"You alright babe?", Dan asks, one eye scanning my face for doubt. The other doing somersaults. His eyes have been fucked since birth apparantly.

"Yeah, i'm fine", i smile reasuringly. I reckon he knows that i'm bored. His hand entwined with mine is uncomfortable. Sweating like fuck. The lights dim as the movie starts. He slides his hand from mine (thank fuck) and sneaks it on to my thigh with caution. He's tense. Fanny fright.

The films wank, but we aren't really watching it anyway. I have my hand in his trackies. My coat over his lap to conceal this in-pant filth from the cinema audience. He's already got a semi. I stroke and grope him till i feel him growing solid.

He's solid.

The fun in his pants dosen't last longer than 2 minutes. His warm sticky love piss wet on my hand. The film should be finishing soon, better sort my self out. I slide my gooey hand from his pants and wipe the evidence of a backseat cinema sin on the seat infront. Sorted.

One night stands: A girls guide.

i have took in to account my experiences and stories i have been told from friends to help me write a guide to one night stands, here goes....

1- BE PREPARED. if you are off out and think there is chance your fanny will be in use at somepoint, GET RID OF THE PUBES!!!!! (and all body hair other than that on your head/lash lines/brow) shave it/wax it/immac it, whatever. just tidy it up. it dosen't take long and it really does save you the unnecesary fuckery later on - ie, locking yourself in his bathroom and using his razor to mow your minge. this will fuck any chance of this one night stand becoming a 2nd, or a 3rd (and so on) RIGHT up.

2- HIS OR MINE???. tricky one. if you choose his, remember to think thoroughly before you do so. ask yourself,

.do i have money for a taxi home in the morning?

.if i don't, is a shag really worth trecking home looking like a hooker first thing in the morning?? (you do have a vibrator at home..)

.do i know his name? this is important incase he has one of them tricky doors that only HE knows how to unlock to let you out in the morning. "excuse me mr sir who had his cock up me an hour ago, would you be kind enough to let me out?" - just no.

.if you choose yours,

3- BE TIDY. tidy up abit before you go out. he won't wanna stick his pork sword in a filthy cow!!!! (i usualy just throw ALL mess in to one room and make sure the door's shut. also pretending that you have a friend sleeping in that room is a great way for you to excuse yourself later on if the sex is THAT boring.) example - "oh fuck, i'm sure emma is calling me from the bedroom, she's autistic i really better go check on her" then shut yourself in the bedroom and give yourself chance to come up with an excuse to get him to leave. example - "emmas shit the bed and so needs to sleep in mine. you better leave"

4- POSITIONS. ok so you are probably really drunk and think you're a 6stone pornstar. YOU'RE NOT,, therfore creative positions are probably not such a good idea (a backward cowgirl incident i had confirmed this, but that's another story, for another blog.) also, this is a one night stand. this is a fuck, it's nothing. so you don't want it to feel like it's more than it is. personally, i think doggie is the best position for the one night stand.

BECAUSE.......

. you aren't face to face. no awkward eye contact. plus pretending he is somebody else is sooo much easier when you can't see him.

. deeper penetration. so if he has a little knob, this really is better for you.

. you can't smell his rank fucking breath, and he can't smell yours.

. you don't have to be cautious of your facial expresions. he can't see!!!

. if you are really bored, you can rest your chin on your hands and drift off.

. you can txt your friends/update your status via fb mobile and he's none the wiser.

if you aren't up for some doggie then i'd reccomend you get on top. on top is always good. you're in control, it's deep, and your lady bean gets stimulated at the same time. mint. however if you're too drunk for all that bouncing around then just lie there like a sack of shite while he bangs the fuck out of you. sorted.

5- DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. if this is just a "one night stand" - he dosen't need it. because this is just one night, right?? RIGHT. (i gave my number to a one night stand once cos i was drunk and stupid and he STILL phones me occasionaly.) so yes, no giving out the didgits.

6- YOU'VE HAD SEX. ok. you've fucked. it was alright.

if you're at his:

tell him you've gotta go. you have work/a wedding/a funeral to attend, whatever. if you're getting a taxi home, make sure you have credit to call one before you leave or are in walking distance of a rank, if not, get him to call you one. then just get the fuck out of there and get a shower. remember, if you do end up having to treck home, it ain't the walk of shame, it's the stride of pride!!!!!

if he's at yours:

you want him to leave so you can drift off, snore like a bear and fart sub-consciously, not having to worry about him being there. my favourite excuse is "i have work in an hour!!! you'll have to leave" (this is to be said strait after sex. if you're like me and like to just crash out after a beasting then this is the perfect excuse for you) he should hurridly get dressed and leave. if he dosen't seem to be hurrying, txt a friend and ask her to call you, pretend to be your boss or something so you're bullshit looks plausible. if he's still dothering about just tell him to hurry up and get the fuck out!!!!!!

7- finally he's fucked off. now txt your friends all the details and get some sleep!!!