Meeting the parents.

I've had one long term it lasted a month realationship, and this realationship was the only one where i was took back to his to meet the parents. I'll call him *Rodney, cos only fools n horses is on next door to keep his identity safe. He's picked me up at mine and we're at his door. Here's the story....



I walk in behind Rodney. Heating must be on full blast. Like a sauna in here. Shouldn't have worn grey. Sweat patches are gonna stand right out. We take our shoes off, Rodneys orders.

We walk down the dindgey hallway, wallpaper's peeling and the carpet feels damp under my socks. Probably piss. We enter the living room.

A fat man in a stained tshirt is slumped out on the biggest sofa, puffing hard on a cig, an overflowing ashtray in his podgey hand, his chesty breathing drownding the ding of the telly. His greasy hair is wild, and his red face is scrunched beneath his jam-jars, trying to see who's just entered the room.

"Hiya Mam. This is my girlfirend, Amy", Rodney says to the fat man on the sofa.

She calmly takes another toke of her fag, i can feel myself going red, her eyes scan me up and down several times before exhaling her smoke. She docks her fag out in the dirty ashtray and leans forward to put it ontop of some shite on the coffee table infront of her. I see down her top as she does so, confirming she's female. She leans back in to her chair and farts. She shuffles again causing the leather to squeek, assif to conceal her flatulence. Tramp. A warm smile spreads across her face.

"Hiya love. Nice to meet you." she finally says cheerfully.

"You too", i reply. Maybe a little too enthusiastically.

"where's dad then Mam?"

"He's round the pub love. You should pop up with Amy, go say hiya while i put the tea on," - she wants shot of me.

"Sounds like a plan. Be back in about an hour then. See you later Mam"

"See yous back for tea. Lovely meeting you love."

"You too", i say with a smile, before following Rodney out of her foggy little piss pit, leaving her to scratch her flaps in peace. Thank fuck that's over. Now on to meet the father.

I can tell who his father is as soon as we walk in the pub. He's the only one in here.

"Rodney! How are you son?", he exclaims, asthough he's not seen him in years. He waves us over to his table.

"Fine dad thanks" Rodney replys as he pulls up two seats.

"And who's this lovely young lady?", he chirps. his old pervy kind eyes twinkling.

"My bird dad, Amy."

He smiles at me.

"Well it's lovely to meet you Annie."

"It's Amy dad."

"Ahh sorry! Amy. Yes, Amy."

Tosser.

"You too."

"do you's want a drink then or..??" Looking to me, then Rodney, then back at me.

"Yeah go on then dad. It'll have to be a quick 'un though, Mam's got the tea on."

"Yeah no worries"

"I'll have a pint and Amy'll have a Vodka coke then please."

"You go get em son, good lad."

Rodney lets out a sigh.

"Alright dad no worries."

I get my phone out and pretend to txt. I hate being left alone with strangers. Can't pretend to txt for too long. I get a fag out and spark it up. I reach to grab the ashtray, at the same time he leans to pass it my way, causing our hands to touch.

"Sorry!" I say awkwardly.

"No bother love." He replies. Probs got a boner from the skin to skin contact.

Rodney returns with the drinks moments later.

"Thanks babe."

"Cheers son."

"No worries. Cheers."

I stir my glass before taking a big sip. Love a vodka. Rodney and his Dad start chatting about the footie scores, i sit smiling like a wanker assif i know what they're talking about. Forcing a laugh everytime they burst out in piss fits. The door opens pausing their conversation as we all turn our heads to the door. A large lady scurries in, an icy breeze follows, then her arse. She looks over at our table and does a double take.

"Well if it isn't old Rich", she exclaims, quickly approaching our table, that vibrates with each of her footsteps. Rodneys dad stands up and goes to greet her with a hug. He escorts her to the bar while they ramble old people bollocks. Rodney leans in to kiss me.

"Lets get going eh babe? Tea should be done now."

"Yeah think we'd better"

I stand outside to have a fag while Rodney goes for a slash and to tell his dad we'll see him back at the house. He'd gone from the bar when we got up to leave. Probs shagging fattie in the toilet.

Wonder what dinner's gonna be like...

The cherry pop.

The story of when i lost my virginity, when i was 16, can't remember dates or anything, just that it was fucking painfull and i vowed i'd never shag again. How full of shit was i? Anyway, me and my friend steph are on the westcliff in whitby drinking with some friends. Two of these friends are *Tom and *Wayne. I fancy Tom, she fancies Wayne. Here's the story...

Im too drunk. The 3 litre of cider i bought with my dinner money has taken its toll, and it's not even half empty. Tastes like piss, but i'll keep drinking anyway. Don't wanna ruin my reputation. Everybodys pissed. Waynes got his arm round Stephs shoulder. Cheeky hand on her boob.

"Here amy"

Tom chucks me a beer. I hate beer.

"Thanks Tom!!" I did have some cans but left them at home."

Full of shit.

I screw the lid on my bottle of piss and open the can before taking a pretend glug.

"Get it down you lass" He slurs with encouragement, before downing the rest of his own can.

I swallow a huge mouthfull. It ain't that bad. Steph dosen't look too well but she's assuring Wayne she's fine, and that she'll go for a walk with him when she finishes her drink. Dutch courage. I notice she's got her hand on his crotch. Dirty bitch.

Tom chucks his can on the floor and walks over to me. He sits down beside me and lights a fag. He smokes tough, His sad eyes stare blankly ahead as he takes a strong drag, holding the toke back a little longer than he can probably stand, then exhales the smoke with relife. The silence is awkward, so i light a fag too. He turns to me.

"You're gorgeous you Ame", he whispers.

I feel myself going red. I don't know what to say. It dosen't matter. He puts a strong hand on the back of my head and pulls me in for a kiss. He's a shit kisser. Too much tounge, and his breath is shitty. I kiss him back anyway.

We're layed on the grass still kissing. I know my new coat will be fucked with grass stains. But i don't care. I've liked Tom for ages, fell in love with him in detention, and now he's all over me!! I'm loving it. And so is he if his cocks anything to go by. I've been groping him, he's solid. He brakes the kiss, leaning up on his elbows.

"Do you wanna, you know?" His eyes dart down, assif to indicate he wants to stick it in my fanny.

"Okay." I smile, and nod.

I've never done this before. I undo my jeans, thank god i've shaved my fanny. He climbs on top of me. We're kissing again, slower and harder than before. My jeans are down and his cold hand wanders up my thigh.

"You alright?" he looks up at me, one hand holding the side of my head caringly, the other just inches from my wet gash. I nod, then kiss him. I'm ready for it.

His hand pulls my thong aside. He wants it. He's right between my legs now. I catch site of his knob as he waps it out. It reminds me of a frozen sausage. He climbs back on me, kissing harder than ever. Our breathings heavy and his hands between my legs, guiding his love stick in to me.

FUCKINGHELL.

Pain sores through my lower body. I think i've been stabbed. Our breathings so heavy now i'm conscious of it. His body is pressed hard against mine, he's moving up and down and groaning rhythmically. I join in. I learned that from the movies.

His moanings all over the place now. I'm getting cramp in my legs and i need a piss.

Come the fuck on.

He gives me a few final bangs and lets out a huge moan, his body pressed up to mine as close as possible, he holds there for several moments, then breathes out a sigh of relief, before sliding out and rolling over to lay beside me on the grass. I quickly rearange my knickers then pull up and fasten my jeans. My fanny's killing.

"That was mint", he says through a smile.

"Yeah. It was" I lie.

Steph and Wayne return about half an hour later. Her hairs a mess and her eyes are full of gossip. Blatlently just been knobbed.

"Right, we better get going then lasses", Tom says, kissing me before he gets up to leave.

Steph gives Wayne a goodbye snog while he has a quick grope of her arse.

"Come on knobead", Tom shouts, stopping in his tracks realising Waynes tied to Steph by the tounge. One last peck on her dirty mouth and he's done.

"See yas soon lasses"

"Bye!!" We shout in unison.

And off they fuck down the street, probably talking about what a pair of sluts me and Steph are. But that's ok, cos i'm gonna tell Steph how shite he was when we get home.

Valentines hand job on the back row.

Valentines day 2006. My boyfriend at the time, *Dan took me out. here's the story.

"Hello gorgeous", He says as i get in the car. He leans in to kiss me. He's gone abit wild on the colone. But atleast he dosen't stink of piss tonight.

"this is for you"

He hands me a red envelope. No rose or teddy bear. Thoughtfull. The folds are soggy and haven't stuck properly, too much spit. I slide the card out. It's illustrated with cartoon figures stood on a flaming heart. The 99p price sticker still present. Wanker.

"To Amy. Love from Dan xxx" - scribbled inside carelessley.

"thanks babe"

He smiles, asthough pleased with himself, "It's alright gorge", and puts his foot down, en route to the Boro.

The cinema is packed. We're late and there are few seats left. We find two at the back, having to clamber over an army of seated chavs, who are reluctant to make abit of room to let my fat arse slide past more discreetley. I don't make a scene. They might beat me.

The rustle of popcorn bags and sweet packets is getting right on my tits, and I can't see the screen for the 6ft bald bloke infront of me. Cock.

Typical.

"You alright babe?", Dan asks, one eye scanning my face for doubt. The other doing somersaults. His eyes have been fucked since birth apparantly.

"Yeah, i'm fine", i smile reasuringly. I reckon he knows that i'm bored. His hand entwined with mine is uncomfortable. Sweating like fuck. The lights dim as the movie starts. He slides his hand from mine (thank fuck) and sneaks it on to my thigh with caution. He's tense. Fanny fright.

The films wank, but we aren't really watching it anyway. I have my hand in his trackies. My coat over his lap to conceal this in-pant filth from the cinema audience. He's already got a semi. I stroke and grope him till i feel him growing solid.

He's solid.

The fun in his pants dosen't last longer than 2 minutes. His warm sticky love piss wet on my hand. The film should be finishing soon, better sort my self out. I slide my gooey hand from his pants and wipe the evidence of a backseat cinema sin on the seat infront. Sorted.

One night stands: A girls guide.

i have took in to account my experiences and stories i have been told from friends to help me write a guide to one night stands, here goes....

1- BE PREPARED. if you are off out and think there is chance your fanny will be in use at somepoint, GET RID OF THE PUBES!!!!! (and all body hair other than that on your head/lash lines/brow) shave it/wax it/immac it, whatever. just tidy it up. it dosen't take long and it really does save you the unnecesary fuckery later on - ie, locking yourself in his bathroom and using his razor to mow your minge. this will fuck any chance of this one night stand becoming a 2nd, or a 3rd (and so on) RIGHT up.

2- HIS OR MINE???. tricky one. if you choose his, remember to think thoroughly before you do so. ask yourself,

.do i have money for a taxi home in the morning?

.if i don't, is a shag really worth trecking home looking like a hooker first thing in the morning?? (you do have a vibrator at home..)

.do i know his name? this is important incase he has one of them tricky doors that only HE knows how to unlock to let you out in the morning. "excuse me mr sir who had his cock up me an hour ago, would you be kind enough to let me out?" - just no.

.if you choose yours,

3- BE TIDY. tidy up abit before you go out. he won't wanna stick his pork sword in a filthy cow!!!! (i usualy just throw ALL mess in to one room and make sure the door's shut. also pretending that you have a friend sleeping in that room is a great way for you to excuse yourself later on if the sex is THAT boring.) example - "oh fuck, i'm sure emma is calling me from the bedroom, she's autistic i really better go check on her" then shut yourself in the bedroom and give yourself chance to come up with an excuse to get him to leave. example - "emmas shit the bed and so needs to sleep in mine. you better leave"

4- POSITIONS. ok so you are probably really drunk and think you're a 6stone pornstar. YOU'RE NOT,, therfore creative positions are probably not such a good idea (a backward cowgirl incident i had confirmed this, but that's another story, for another blog.) also, this is a one night stand. this is a fuck, it's nothing. so you don't want it to feel like it's more than it is. personally, i think doggie is the best position for the one night stand.

BECAUSE.......

. you aren't face to face. no awkward eye contact. plus pretending he is somebody else is sooo much easier when you can't see him.

. deeper penetration. so if he has a little knob, this really is better for you.

. you can't smell his rank fucking breath, and he can't smell yours.

. you don't have to be cautious of your facial expresions. he can't see!!!

. if you are really bored, you can rest your chin on your hands and drift off.

. you can txt your friends/update your status via fb mobile and he's none the wiser.

if you aren't up for some doggie then i'd reccomend you get on top. on top is always good. you're in control, it's deep, and your lady bean gets stimulated at the same time. mint. however if you're too drunk for all that bouncing around then just lie there like a sack of shite while he bangs the fuck out of you. sorted.

5- DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. if this is just a "one night stand" - he dosen't need it. because this is just one night, right?? RIGHT. (i gave my number to a one night stand once cos i was drunk and stupid and he STILL phones me occasionaly.) so yes, no giving out the didgits.

6- YOU'VE HAD SEX. ok. you've fucked. it was alright.

if you're at his:

tell him you've gotta go. you have work/a wedding/a funeral to attend, whatever. if you're getting a taxi home, make sure you have credit to call one before you leave or are in walking distance of a rank, if not, get him to call you one. then just get the fuck out of there and get a shower. remember, if you do end up having to treck home, it ain't the walk of shame, it's the stride of pride!!!!!

if he's at yours:

you want him to leave so you can drift off, snore like a bear and fart sub-consciously, not having to worry about him being there. my favourite excuse is "i have work in an hour!!! you'll have to leave" (this is to be said strait after sex. if you're like me and like to just crash out after a beasting then this is the perfect excuse for you) he should hurridly get dressed and leave. if he dosen't seem to be hurrying, txt a friend and ask her to call you, pretend to be your boss or something so you're bullshit looks plausible. if he's still dothering about just tell him to hurry up and get the fuck out!!!!!!

7- finally he's fucked off. now txt your friends all the details and get some sleep!!!

fuck my life

my dog is sick. she blashed all over my bedroom floor this morning. i had to clean it up. fuck my life.

wanking distraction

Ok, so i watch alot of porn. youporn, pornhub, redtube, youjizz, rude tube etc, etc, all offer some great inspiration for zee masturbation. They give us tits, cock and arse, and they give us it for FREE - and who dosen't like free stuff? especially free stuff that's NAKED. (if you answered "me", you have no place on my blog..)

ANYWAY... i was home alone the other day, had already stalked all of my facebook contacts and eaten everything in the kitchen, so thought i would spend some quality time with my lady organ. I stick on a porno, which was really slow moving (they are still layed kissing and cuddling fully clothed 4 minutes in!!!) but i waited 15 minutes for this shit to buffer so i'm gonna watch it anyway. So yeah, they're kissing and groping and, you know... (i don't have to go in to detail really do i) anyway one thing leads to another and before i know it she's on top, riding him like a pony, that's when i see it!!!!!

what have i seen you ask?????




SOME FUCKING DUDE CASUALLY SAT IN THE CORNER!!!!!!!

who is that guy!?!? do they know he is present!?!? who invited him!?! and why does he not look like he is loving his situation!??! seeing him sat there lead me to imagine what kind of things could be going through his mind...

Maybe he was thinking "FOR FUCKS SAKE MUM!!! could you PLEASE move over to the left a little, i can't see the fucking telly!!!!!! Or pherhaps he is contemplating what to have for dinner. Pasta, pizza, pasta, pizza???? and so forth... who knows???? All i know is this dude disrupted my wank, and for that, i will never forgive him.

TIDY YOUR FLAT YOU LAZY FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!

Ok. so i have to be out of my flat by november 1st, and to say it's a "mess" is an understatement. I know what i have to do, i need to tidy it the fuck up and move all my shit out. BUT I'M FUCKING DREADING IT!!!!!!!!!!! proper dreading it. it's such a mess i just don't know where to start so i thought it might make me feel better to write down all my thoughts then i can pick a date to just get it over and done with!!!!!

WHAT I NEED TO DO.

1- wash the fucking dishes numero 1 - they have been there about 2 months. (no i aren't joking) don't judge me ok i am always fucking hungover and i DON'T do dishes. But i really do need to get them out of the way!!!! I'm dreading picking them out of the sink and taking them one by one to wash in the bathroom sink as they can't be washed in the kitchen sink cos everytime it's used the pipe bursts and leaks downstairs in to the hallway which then causes residents to complain which causes fat care taker bitch to come braying at my door at 9AFUCKINGM when i'm hanging like a bitch to have a go at me about how there is water all over the floor downstairs. IT AIN'T A PROBLEM FOR ME BITCH!!!!!!! I won't miss her. ok i have gone off the subject, RIGHT. AMY-JO, YOU ARE TO DO THE DISHES!!!!!! yes sir!!!!!

2- on the subject of dishes, many have been smashed so i will also have to go out and buy more plates as broken plates might put getting my bond back at stake, which my mam payed and has already made clear if she dosen't get that money back, she is throwing me out. FUCK MY LIFE. so yes, NEW PLATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. and a pan, and some glasses. (just remembered those)

4.THE SOFA!!!!!!! week one in my apartment, drunken Amy + bigggg rugby player dude + horny = BROKEN SOFA!!!! i must find a beam to replace the broken beam. got it amy??? GOT IT!!!!!!!!!! (picture evidence. fuck fuck fuck)



5.bring fridge off balcony and put it back indoors - that will only take like a minute, it was getting in the way.

6.wash ALL original bedsheets/sofa throws and put them back where they belong, ie, on bed and on sofa!!! but first, put beds back in bedroom!!! Oh and must buy new bedsheet to replace the one i cut holes out of to make ghost costume. (how fucking good is my costume though??)



7.take knickers/barnaby the barbie/all other decorations down and replace with original decoration. which reminds me, where the FUCKKKK did i stash that ugly flower painting!?!?!?! fuck fuck fuck.

8. FIND UGLY FLOWER PAINTING!!!!!!!!!

9.throw that bin out. seriously Amy, don't even bother emptying it cos that shit STINKS. you bought that bin anyway, just throw it strait in to a big blag bag along with pizza boxes/burger king wrappers/general rubbish and shite then take it down to the bins. YOU CAN DO IT GIRL!!!! I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!!!!!!!!

10.Now.... get all my shite together, and mam and kayleigh round to haul it all in to the car to be taken home!!!!!!!

11.finally, BLEACH CLEAN N BLEACH BABY!!!!!!!! i need to sweep and mop the place up and spray some perfume to make it smell pretty. and then stay the fuck out of there so that when the day comes for me to get out, it's PERFECT!!!!!

oh and before all of this... GET LIGHTBULBS!!!!!! actualy, get MAM to get lightbulbs. then get mam to fit lightbulbs. can't tidy up and clean if i can't see anything can i!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW..... what date should i pick to do this and does anybody want to help!?!?!?!?!? :D