One for the fellas - how to make a girl cum.

So you want your bird to cum?

Fellas, you are gagging to shaft your bird (or whoevers bird this is you're about to shaft) and you really want to make her cum. But you don't know how!!! (Not if you're one of the idiots i've slept with anyway!)

So you bang away at her for ages, and nothing!! You're starting to worry that she may actualy be dead and not just asleep. But stop, don't worry, this is not necrophilism, you're just doing it all wrong.

Now, most women need more than just intercourse to orgasam, so just sticking your cock in isn't good enough. This is where the clitoris comes in.

What IS the clitoris?

The clitoris is a part of the female genitalia consisting of a small elongated highly sensitive erectile organ at the front of the vulva: homologous with the penis

Or to you and i,

The little bean up the top of the slit.

Now fellas, this little organ is vital. If you can touch it properly, you're guranteed a blow job and she might even let you stick it up her arse.

Nice one!!! But what do i have to do to it??

You need to play with it my friend. Untill she orgasams.

What IS an orgasam?

Orgasm, also called climax, is a physiological state of heightened sexual excitement and gratification that is followed by relaxation of sexual tensions and the body's muscles. It is marked by a feeling of sudden and intense pleasure.

Or in words you may understand better;

It's a fucking mint feeling in your fanny and the only reason you are in bed with us in the first place.

Now you know what everything is, you just need to know what TO do, and what NOT to do.

DON'T force as many fingers as you can fit up her all in one go.
DO Make sure she is wet before you try to put anything up her.

Dry fanny + Objects being stuffed up it = Severe pain for her & a black eye for you.

DON'T Rub her clit as hard as you can.
DO Learn to distinguish moans of agony from moans of pleasure, if the moans are ones of pain, stop what you're doing untill the moans are "OH YES" moans, if the moans are pleasurable, keep doing what you're doing my son!!!

SO many men think that rubbing really hard on a girls clit will make her cum and that the more she moans the more she is loving it. The moans that follow this kind of treatment are usualy ones of pain, i have felt like my fanny could burst in to flames at any moment when i have been rubbed too hard. You're trying to make her cum, not swipe her flaps off!! Follow her moans, if she wants it harder, do it gradually, and make sure she's nice and wet.

DON'T Literally try to eat her. Biting/sucking/nibbling and hard forcefull licks can be painfull.
DO lick her clit gentley, licking right down to her fuck hole and back up again. Using a finger or two to poke her/rubbing her thighs while you're licking is always a winner.

Burying your head in her crotch and being too rough really can be painfull. Again, listen to her, if she sounds pained, tone it down a little. She should be making a bit of a scene now, if she's pushing you away, practically having a fit you know you have done good job. Unless you know this girl is epileptic, then that could be a whole other situation and you should probably call an ambulance.

Pros and cons of fucking on the first date.

PROS OF FUCKING ON THE FIRST DATE.

- You get to test out his fuck wand.

If it's massive, and/or he knows how to use it, you know that you didn't waste time shaving your fanny before this date, you can start to think about a future together and you know even if other aspects of the realationship are shitty, he compensates in cock.

If it's tiny and/or he is shit then you can make your excuses right now, it's better to spring the old "sorry sebastian, but i haven't gotten over the death of my pet budgie yet, i'm just not ready for a realationship" line, sooner, rather than later.

- You get to impress him.

This first shag is absoloutley essential. If you fuck it up he is definitely not going to want to see you again. So it is very important that:

1 - You are not TOO drunk. Throwing up/passing out during sex is so not the way forward. (Trust me, i know!)

2 - You are presentable "down there". I can't stress this enough!! SHAVE YOUR FUCKING MINGE. Your chances of a 2nd date will increase by 99.9%, and a quick spritz of perfume on your tuppence before you "get down to buisness" is always a nice touch.

3 - If your taking him back to yours, be prepared!!

Tidy up before you go out just incase. Hide all embarrasing items that could make him go off you; Teddy bears/boy band posters/soiled underwear etc, etc. If he is really in to something, making it look like you are in to the same bullshit could really benefit you! Example, you know this guy is a huge fan of astronomy, so you stick a telescope infront of the window and leave a few globes lying around. He will be so impressed, he'll probably rim you.


3 - The date wasn't a waste of time!

So your date didn't go too well. He bored the clit off you/smelt a little/didn't pay the bill/made fun of your disabled brother/his accent was annoying - whatever, the date was a waste of time.

BUTTT...

He is still gorgeous and worth a ride!!!! Fuck him anyway. You owe it to yourself after putting up with him on your date!

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CONS OF FUCKING ON THE FIRST DATE.

1 - He thinks.. You're a slag.

Let's just weigh up the pros and the cons.....







Drum roll please.....




















..............





















PROS WIN!!!!!!!! GET HIM SHAGGED!!!!!

Meeting the parents part 2.

Follow up from meeting the parents. I have met my boyfriends mam at his house, been to the pub to have a drink with his dad and we've just got back to the house, sat at the table ready to eat dinner.

"Eat up kids!" Chirps Rodneys mam, knife and fork in hand ready to slaughter her plate of shite shepheards pie.

Shouldn't we wait for dad, mam? He'll be back any mi..

Fuck him!! He's too busy getting pissed down the pub. Can make his own fucking dinner!

She snaps, before Rodney can finish, spitting a little bit of mince meat on to my plate as she does so.

Nice.

Rodney kicks my foot playfully under the table as we eat in an awkward silence. I return the kicks, smiling to myself. Moments later he gets up from his seat and strolls out of the room.

Just off for a slash. He shouts down the hallway.

Great.

Left alone with this fat cunt his mam, who is too busy shoveling her homemade slop down her throat to even notice Rodneys abscence.

My eyes wander around the room, asthough it'll speed time up and Rodney will be back faster. I notice several photos standing proudly on a clutterd cabinet.

A handi-capped child in mustard dungarees stares back at me from one crumpled picture.

Unnerving.

A large lady in an old wedding dress linking arms with a pint sized groom beam back at me from the picture next to it.

Must be his mam and dads wedding photo.

"You looked like a bloke in a dress lovely on your wedding day" I say enthusiastically, breaking the ice.

She looks up from her plate, and at the photo on the cabinet, a dribble of gravy clings to her third chin, another fresh on her tshirt plays neighbour to an ancient bean stain.

Was the best day of my life that was.

She pauses, staring at the photo for a moment, her happy eyes twinkle with memories.

"The best day of my life." She repeats, with a proud smile on her face.

What's that Mam?

Rodneys back from the shitter.Thank fuck.

My wedding day son. She mumbles, before getting stuck back in to her dinner.

What about the day you had me!?

Aye, that too. You were a beautiful baby son. Wasn't he Amy?"

She nods at the handi-capped child in mustard dungarees picture, indicating this little fucker is indeed, my boyfriend. She pauses proudly, waiting for my reply.

Really cute! I lie, whilst visually plotting my hysterectomy.

Rodney's blushing.

Aye. He was amazing. My blue eyed boy. Hard work babies mind, they're cute and cuddly but shitty nappies, sleepless nights and child birth aren't so fun.

I can feel myself burning red as images of Rodneys mam in labour pollute my mind.

It fucking hurts Amy. I was in labour 16 hours with our Rodney. The pain is just excruciating.

Rodneys eyes widen. He throws his mum a shut the fuck look.

Don't be giving me that look lad! I'm talking from experience. The last thing you two want is a baby. Trust me Amy, it's hard work. Our Rodney massacared my fanny. I was torn in half! They had to sti..

MAM. We're eating! Rodney shrieks, his face crimson.

Well i'm just letting you know. When you two start sleeping together i just want you to be carefull. She says, her voice stern. She goes to get up, but pauses for a second, throws us both a look individually, then hoists herself up from her chair before waddling in to the kitchen with an empty plate.

Rodney sits silent for several minutes, his head in his hands.

I'm so sorry about her. She's so embarrasing! He whispers finally.

I rub his thigh, assuring him it's ok.

We should get off before she comes and ties your tubes! Rodney jokes.

We leave the table all giggly then treck up the pissy hallway in to the equally pissy living room to say our goodbyes to his mam, who is sprawled out like a human vegetable back on the sofa that me and Rodney are going to have sex on when she goes to visit her sister next month that she was vegging on when i first met her.

Right mam, we're off now.

Alright love. You walk Amy home and fetch me some fags on your way back could you son?

He pauses before replying, big momma is obviously under the impression her son is just walking me home.

I'm staying at Amys tonight mam. I'll pop to the pub now though to get you some before i..

Fuck it. It dosen't matter then.

Her angry eyes fix on the telly and i can hear her teeth grind.

She's gonna blow.

Alright mam. See you tomorrow then.

See you soon I say, with absoloutley no intention of seeing her ever again, never mind soon!

She responds with a grunt then flicks the channel over.

She loves me.

(Me and Rodney broke up about a fortnight later. I never saw his mam again, but it is belived she eventually became part of the sofa.)